Note: I am not trying
to portray Zelda as a slut, (at least, not in THIS fic ;) but anyhoo, on
with the disclaimer!
DIS FREAKIN' CLAIMER:
I FREAKIN' DON'T FREAKIN' OWN FREAKIN' ZELDA, YOU FREAKIN' FREAKY FREAKS,
BUT I AM FREAKIN' FREAKIN' OUT CAUSE YOU FREAKS THINK I FREAKIN' DO, MAN!
S. Kid: YOU'RE A
FREAK DUDE.
And Katt and all Breath of Fire trademarks are property of Capcom. YOU
GUYS RULE! Oh yeah, I don' own Space ghost or the Brak show or any o' that
other crap that ain't good enough to be called crap, (and) indicate thought,
and anything spoken in capitals, unless either without an exclamation point
or else otherwise noted, is yelling. ALL IMproper CaPiTaLiZaTiOn is INTENTIONAL.
WARNING: Filled with perverted comments, cussing,
randomness, and other sh*t that'll rot your brains. Have fun kids! Oh yeah, and
although it's not Zelda, (because, come on, that's just too easy)I do portray
someone as a slut, BECAUSE IT'S SO FRIGGIN' FUN!
(It ain't Ruto either, so sorry
to rain on your day parade, Rutobashers!)
Ruto: Well that's a relief.
Me (Bob8939, remember me? No? Well then f**k you!): Well, anyway, any
giga-anti-Link\Ruto people who would anyway are welcome to flame me so
that I can make fun of you and save your e-mail addresses for future mailbombing.
Because Link and Ruto are here! Fat nerd otaku: But what about in your
fic "Mike and Link in the Fairy Glade?" It does have Link and Zelda, well,
studying anatomy, if you will.*Urkel-type laughter*
Me: I was on crack when I wrote that.
Zelda: Now take off that stupid disguise, Rauru, the press conference
is over!
Oh yeah, it's MALON AND THE SKULL KID! You'll see what I mean. One day,
everyone (Except Mido and Saria, they were like, um, sick. Yeah, that's
it, (looks around suspiciously) uh, sick. was sitting in the Hyrule Castle
theater when Zelda walks in and says...
Zelda: Hey guys, let's watch the Drew Carey show awhile.
Skull Kid (Hereafter referred to as S.Kid): COOL.
Me: Skull kid, could you please stop talking in capitals? It's really
messin' up the fic, and grammatical errors aren't cool.
S. Kid: MY BAD. So, is that why you're suddenly saying "aren't" instead
of "ain't" like you usually do?
Malon: Never mind that, where are Mido and Saria?
Me: They went down to the dungeon for a little, er, time out, if you
wiil...
Rauru: Zelda! Bob8939's being perverted again!
Zelda: Shut UP, Rauru!
Rauru: Yes ma'am.
Me: I AIN'T BEING PERVERTED!
Rauru: Hah! Grammatical error! You are UNCOOL!
Me: Damn grammatical errors, damn you, and damn my folly for letting
you into this fic!(Yes folks, that's partially from the movie My Fair Lady.
Watch it!)
(Claps hands, and Rauru leaves. Katt from BoF2 comes in.)
S. Kid: (Whispering) Hey, Bait, here's your chance! Say something!
Me: (Whispering) What are you insinuating doctor? That I have some strange
fantasy about Katt? What? What? What? What what what what what shut up!
S. Kid: (Whispering) Well you do.
Me: (Whispering) That's a lie!
Katt: Hey! Are you Inviso?
Me: Y-
Zelda: There's no Inviso here.
Katt: Oh well. (leaves)
*I facefault
Me (Black spotlight thing): Man... (Angry mark) Thanks a lot Zelda!
You ruined my only chance of getting a date with Katt! (Is your mind rotted
yet?)
Zelda: Your pen name isn't Inviso!
Me: It is at FF.N! You suck!
Zelda: Sorry. So what's with the armor?
Me: It's dragoon armor, for dragoons only.
Link: What's a dragoon?
Me: It's a class.
Zelda: Uh, you're a pervert. You have no class.
Me: NOT THAT KIND OF CLASS! And no, I AM NOT A PERVERT!
Lewis (From screen): Back, boor, slut, and pervert!
*Link and I instictively step back. Many floors below, someone else
also steps back.
Zelda: HA! That proves it! You ARE a pervert, and Link's a boor!
Me: Zelda, go play Romulan Roulette with a hand phaser. (Twenty Star
Confederacy Buckazoids if you guess where that comes from)
UPS guy: Hey, are you Zelda Nolastname?
Zelda: Yeah.
UPS guy: Sign here please.
*UPS truck leaves behind some boxes marked "Birth Control"
Zelda: What the fork?! (opens box to reveal bottles marked "Contraception?"
because I like that word.) (I bet there's spring snakes inside. Hrmmm...)
)opens one and Space Ghost & co. come out)
S. Ghost: That is Old Hyruley Slut and she has been there!
Zelda: I AM NO SLUT! (This is true, but Space Ghost doesn't know that.)
Zorak: Yeah right. Why all the "contraception" bottles then?
Zelda: Because... (opens one. Brak comes out.) What the fudge?!
Brak: ~I've just come out of a bottle marked contraception that was
ordered by the mystery sluts! And although Zelda is not one I like to look
at people's butts!~(Runs off)
Brock: That was disturbing.
Zelda: Yeah... (opens another) AAAAAH! A MISTY D- whoa! I almost said
her name! Where was I? Oh yeah. ACTION FIGURE! (Tosses bottle) Ah well.
Next one. (GW comes out) What the foot?!
GW: I AM GEORGE W. FRIGGIN' BUSH! I CAN'T EVEN ADDRESS THE POPE CORRECTLY
BECAUSE I'M A MORON WHO SUPPORTS NUCLEAR ENERGY AND THE ONLY GOOD THING
I HAVE EVER DONE WAS TO BOMB THE TALIBAN AND I WISH I WAS AS GOOD-LOOKING
AS BOB8939!
Zelda:Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
(Crams him back in.)
GW: NOOOOOOOOO! FOILED ONCE MORE- er- AGAIN!
Brak: ~GW is a moron who likes to be a clown, and when I get really
really really high, you cannot keep me down!~ (runs off again)
Zelda: GOOD GODDESSES WOULD IT BE SO HARD-
Rauru: ON!
All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!
Zelda: FOR ME TO HAVE A NORMAL DAY JUST ONCE?!
Din: I thought we killed her...
Nayru: Shut up, Din.
*Zelda opens another bottle and Osama and that guy from Ronin Warriors
that goes "Quake with Fear!" come out.
Zelda: What the fuzzy pickles?!
Osama: I am Osama friggin' bin Laden!
TGFRWWG"QWF!": Quake wit' da fear, yo!
Osama bin Laden: -at my ridiculously long beard and shitty shirt!
Me: HOW DARE YOU BLOW UP THE TWIN TOWERS AND GIVE MEMBERS OF THE MUSLIM
RELIGION A BAD NAME?! (I'm not a member, but it still sucks. Anyway, I
chase him with a morning star.)
Osama bin Laden: YOU CAN KILL ME BUT TWO MORE WILL TAKE MY PLACE!! AAAAAAAAAAHH!
Saria (enters): WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUZZY IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!
(sees boxes.) Oh good, my birth control pills came in. Thanks for signin'
for 'em, Zelda. (Yes folks, SARIA is the super mystery slut person! Thank
you for playing. Everyone's jaws drop. Saria takes a box and leaves.)
Zelda: Hey, where did Link and Carperella go?
*Link walks in looking like he either just got done losing a fight
Zelda: I don't even wanna know.
Link: Good, because nonfiction lemons always suck. (leaves)
Me: Even if they didn't I have about as much intent to write one as
I do to drive in New Jersey after the month of April.
Brak: Hey guys! ~Come look what I found, Come look what I found, Come
look what I found, Come look what I found!~
*Everyone follows Brak into the next room where they see a scary sight
involving Malon and Skull Kid!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAHH MAN, AAAAAAAAAHH! (all run screaming.)
S. Kid: What's with them? All we were doing was Tae-Bo!
Malon: Go figure.
*Later...
Zelda: I MAY BE TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE, MAN!
Me: My young eyes had no constructive use for that horrible sight. (shudders)
Malon (enters): What? It wasn't like we were having sex or anything.
Brak: ~Malon and the Skull kid, sitting in a tree, F-U-N-K-I-N-G!~
S. Kid: WE WERE DOIN' FRIGGIN' TAE-BO!!
Brak: Oh. Well I'm gonna go put peanut butter in the Yankees jockstraps
because it'd be funny to see them goin' "Hey! We got peanut butter in our
jockstraps!"(Runs off)
Me: This is getting weird...
Link: It was weird three hours ago.
Ruto: HE SPEAKS THE TRUTH!
Zelda: Hey, you know what you said about not driving in New Jersey after
the month of April?
Me: Yeah, I only said that TWENTY PAGES AGO!
Zelda: Well you're too young anyway! Why don't you want to go to NJ
after April?
Me: Because you-know-who will be old enough to drive by then.
Zelda: What's Voldemort-
Me: Wrong you-know-who.
Zelda: Oh. AAAAAAAH!
Saria: What happened? Are Malon and Skullkid having-
S. Kid: WE WERE DOIN' TAE FRIGGIN' BO!
Mido: Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?
S. Kid: SERIOUSLY, WE WERE DOIN' TAE FRIGGIN' BO!
All: WE KNOW, MAN!
Cardcraptors people: We suck!
All: WE KNOW, MAN!
Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon!
All: *sarcastic no*. AS IN SH*T SHERLOCK, THAT IS!
Minimoon: You all suck!
ALL: SHUDDAAAP!
Kefka: That's my line! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!
Grr!
Celes: Quiet, Kefka!
Kefka (timid): Yes ma'am.
Brak: ~Oh give me a home, where the fine women roam, and the weirdos
all come out to play, where seldom is heard, an obscene or loud word, 'cept
when Zelda-
Zelda: IF YOU SAY THE WORDS "IS A BAD LAY," I AM GONNA WRING YOUR DAMN
NECK!
Brak: Well, actually, it goes, ~'cept when Zelda has a bad day, Home,
home on the strange, where the fine women come out to play, and seldom
is heard, an obscene or loud word, 'cept when Zelda has a bad day.~ (Runs
off) \{Note: You can sub Zelda's name for the name of someone else who's
really, er, not nice most of the time, as well as substituting "women"
for "men all" if you're a lady. Enjoy!\}
Ruto: That kid gets more bizzare every time we-
Ash: I AM ASH KETCHUM FROM PALLET TOWN! SHOOT ME! (Runs away talking
in capitals.)
Misty (From Pokémon, not the Zelda fic author, thank God)-
Bill Clinton: What's going on here?
Me: Just some weird stuff, Mr. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: I see. Anyway, God told me to give you this letter, so
I'll be going now. (Disappears in a cloud of oregano.) Me: Hmmm... "Dear
Bob8939, You're welcome. Sincerely, God." Cool.
: Oh screw it, they don't even know who's talking anymore. (Misty 4
disappears in a cloud of chihuauas (is that spelled right?)
All chiuahuas (in case I misspelled it the 1st time.): YO QUIERO!
All humanoids: AAAAAAAAAAHH, MAN, AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Dog 1: TORTILLAS! (Bites Link)
Link (Squeaky voice): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH! (Stabs at the dog.)
Dog 1: AAAGH! THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN, MAN!(Dies)
Dog 2: DORITOS AND PEPSI! (Tries to bite me.) AAAAAAAAAAH! (Runs off)
Me: HAHAHAHAH! You can't bite through the armor of a dragoon!
Dog 3: MEXICAN PIZZA! (Jumps Ruto, or at least tries to)
Ruto: Get off! (Shoots fire at Dog 3)
Dog 3: AAAAAGHH! (Dies)
Link (Slightly squeaky): Are you all right, Ruto?
Ruto: Of course. What happened?
Link (squeaky): That damn Taco Bell dog bit me in the family jewels.
Ow.
Zelda: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MORE THAN WE NEEDED TO KNOW!
Link: I AM IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN HERE! IF YOU'VE NOTHING HELPFUL TO SAY,
GO F**K YOURSELF!
Zelda: HOW DARE YOU! (Slaps Link)
Me: Hey! Guys! *Whistle*! Hey! We gotta find out who's behind this!
Dick Cheney: IT WAS ME!
Me: CHENEY?!
Zelda: I thought you were dead!
Cheney: I was. But I got better. (I saw that on Mad Jack the Pirate,
ifanyone cares.) Now I shall sick my army of Taco Bell dogs (since I can't
spell "ch\'c6-wa-wa" (I put \'c6 there 'cause I couldn't find a schwa.))
upon you!
*Two dogs come out.
Cheney: Wha- who killed 1 and 3?
*Link and Ruto raise their hands, or at least the ones not in each other's
back pocket. What? They *HAVE* no back pockets? All: EEEEEEEEEWWW!
Cheney: DAMN YOU! (Disappears in a cloud of curry powder.)
Dog 2: In the immortal words of Yu Yu Fusheko, "I'm gonna kick your
ass!"
Dog 4: QUESADILLAS! (Lunges at me)
Me: I think not. (Jumps up into the air)
Dog 4: Huh?! *Squish!*
*these five blank lines are intentionally here. vMe: That is why I chose
dragoon! (Does Cloud's sword-twirling thing with spear.)
400 line mark: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Dog 2: Hi, Carson! (Jumps Zelda)
Zelda: YOU FREAK ON A LEASH! (Pun fully intended, thank you.) (Stabs
Dog 2)
Dog 2: CRAPNESS! (Dies)
Link: Well, that's that.
Zelda: Is this fic oven- er, over yet?
Me: Nope.
Zelda: CRAP.
Me: I told you not to talk in capitals! Hey! This fic is almost exactly
twenty-five pages long!
Zelda: That's nice. *coughcoughpervertcough*
Me: Okay, so I am. BUT PROUD OF IT! vLink: Be that as it may, THIS FIC
IS TOO LONG, MAN!
Me: It'll be longer still once I get some new ideas.
Later, all you peeps not of the marshmallow variety.
New Fan Works